| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/star dust/re_high_insights_r-4355.html |
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| Author: | star dust [ Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:18 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | High Insights |
Swim is high right now. Sometimes when she’s high, she has a lot of insight into things. Her mind goes deep into itself and things start making sense. So I thought I’d type it here. So I can read it another time. So I’m just typing this out as it comes from swim. I just realised, due to everything that has happened to me in the past few years, I hate myself. I didn’t realise until now just how much I am ashamed of myself. I feel like a truly terrible person. And the only thing that comforts me from feeling that is the fact that it means that I at least still have a conscience. I feel kind of exposed writing this even though I am anonymous but I am truly truly ashamed of myself for the past few years. I’m disgusted at myself. The truth is, I must really really hate myself deep down. To do the stuff I did to myself. To behave how I did. Do the things I did. I am so completely and utterly ashamed. I feel the most enormous guilt the size of which I could not even possibly attempt to describe with words. It’s horrendous. I am horrendous. I feel that somehow, a demon got inside me. I have behaved in absolutely disgusting ways. I behaved like him. I behaved like a disgusting monster. The past few years just haven’t gotten straight in my head. I don’t know if they ever will. It feels like a 3 year dream. I went to sleep for 3 years and woke up after a three year long nightmare. And like any dream, it doesn’t all make sense, it’s completely muddled in every way, blurry, periods missing. I don’t understand any of it. And it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I can behave like that. It terrifies me that I got so out of control. It terrifies me that I let the things that happen to me happen to me. It made me realise, what a truly dysfunctional person I am and as much as I want to run from it I can’t. I have a blackness inside me and I feel I can’t cure it. I need to get rid of it. All the terror, the pain, the shame, the sadness, guilt and depravity. I am a really bad person. I need to wake up and change. I have let myself down in such terrible ways. And no one is going to come and save me. I’ve got to save myself. Lord I pray this therapist is going to be good. And I pray I get therapy soon, I need it so badly. |
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| Author: | star dust [ Fri Aug 31, 2018 3:31 am ] |
How do you get rid of a demon inside of you :’( It’s not going to go away :’( Everything that’s happened to me, it’s all blocked off inside my head  It’s there like a monster waiting to attack me :’( I can’t take ittttttt I want it to leave me alone... It’s like a part of my soul inside that is forever being tortured in vile and disgusting evil ways :’( I need it offfffffff of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee |
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| Author: | Snaga [ Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:48 am ] |
Hugs sweetie. |
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